I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
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There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
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Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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