I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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