I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
