I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
