I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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