I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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