I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
