im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
