please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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