I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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