cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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