I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
