I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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