We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
