my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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