You're my little dorito
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
