This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
