He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Found your dick twin last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have post one night stand depression
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