I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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