I think I won the penis lottery.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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