Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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