How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
