I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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