i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You ruined the universe
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
