You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
