i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
