My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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