I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
