Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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