last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
