I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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