When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
