That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
