Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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