If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
