Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
