And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
