You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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