I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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