Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
