nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
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You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
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I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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