if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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