Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
