did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
