you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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