Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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