Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
