got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
