roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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