I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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