remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
