I love how my cats smell like pot.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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