Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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