I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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