Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom