why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.