Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!