When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him