I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sobbing to NWA