I think my vagina is haunted
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
