youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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