I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
