Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
