So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
