I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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